Just Another Loophole

Just Another Loophole

“I quit for my (mother) (husband) (kids).”

We can’t quit for others because others will disappoint us and Slick will say, “After all we gave up for them? I think I just saw our connection going into Walmart…”

But, that doesn’t mean that others shouldn’t be part of our consideration when deciding to quit using. It is just in the attitude behind how we phrase it. "I quit because a good (daughter) (wife) (mother) doesn't neglect important people to focus on using a drug.”

Mom can forget our birthday, our spouse can forget it was their turn to do the dishes, our kids can forget to clean their room, but…you are still a good (daughter) (wife) (mother) who doesn’t neglect important people to focus on using a drug.

Don’t forget where you came from and where you want your life to go in a momentary spike of anger (Slick’s BFF). Even if their behavior was more egregious, you can be sure that there were other reasons besides your relationships behind your decision to quit. Reasons like your health, freedom, career, money and reasons that haven’t even appeared on your radar screen yet (see Hockey Stick posts).

You might think “this recovery bit isn’t working,” but remember, when you were using, you wanted to quit, so using isn’t the answer. Maybe you need a new job/spouse or whatever, but returning to what you are trying to escape isn’t the answer.

“Nice try, Slick! But that choking sensation you feel is Just Another Loophole. Tightening around your slimy little neck!"

Slick Exploits Loopholes Like a Corporate Tax Accountant

I was back in college and sober several years when I told a classmate, “I don’t even think about drinking anymore.” I got the stock answer, “If you aren’t thinking about drinking, you aren’t thinking about not drinking either.” That irritated me, but I let it pass. I went on to say that about the only thing I could think of that might get me to drink would be the sudden news that both of my parents had been killed in a car accident. He responded, “Sounds like you are setting yourself up to fail.” That was more than I was willing to listen to at that point, so I soon excused myself and walked off. 

Another trait of mine, besides blowing off useful input, is my tendency to plow over resentments. I now often, slowly and reluctantly, use that to reevaluate advice that irritates me. As I “argued” with the man in my mind, I played out some scenarios.

First of all, my parents were in their early retirement and traveling a lot to visit family and to winter in warmer climes. My mother was driving through Memphis when they encountered a sudden slippery bridge deck. Cars were going sideways around her. She focused on driving her own car and crossed safely, but another car could have smashed into theirs, killing them both. So, my excuse for drinking was not a far-fetched, “never gonna happen,” scenario.

Further, why was such a tragedy limited to my parents? I have five siblings.  What if one of them suddenly died? I have a lot of close relations and good friends I could suddenly lose. What if I suffer any type of major disappointment? 

It appears that the loophole that I pictured as the size of the eye of a needle is actually big enough to drive a semi through.

Further still, it is obvious that I am going to have a major disappointment at some point, so I better have a plan to deal with such. “If you fail to plan, you are planning to fail.” (Franklin, B or Churchill, W)

Running the original scenario through my brain again, I fast-forwarded through the consequences that would follow if I did drink.  I would probably start with a couple of shots of tequila. Nasty stuff, but the effect is reliable and instantaneous. Once the fear of an anxiety-provoked heart attack was quelled, I’d no doubt talk myself into a six-pack, with that growing into a 12-pack by the time I got back to the store. The next day, I’d be likely to continue even though I already knew I’d been lucky to escape into recovery once and probably wouldn’t be likely to free myself again.

One might wonder why I didn’t remember that in the first place and instantly reject my problem-riddled plan for relief. The answer is both simple and complex. Quite simply, if an addict’s behavior was logical, it wouldn’t be an addiction. Given that the human brain is the most complex structure/system in the known universe, the underlying reasons for addiction are so complicated that no one yet totally understands the why and how.

Additionally, I thought about what my selfish search for instant relief meant to others who would be getting the same terrible news.  “Your parents were killed in an accident and, by the way, Pete’s drunk.”

“Isn’t that special?” (Carvey, D as The Church Lady)

Let’s review. I’m devastated by the news, blood draining from my face, heart racing, brain in a state of shock, my entire being focused on who I perceive to be the most important person in the known universe: me. How do I stop monitoring my own heart rate, which only speeds it up and shift that focus off myself? I need to call my sister, break the news to her and provide and get support. Then contact my brothers. Focus on their pain and sorrow and not on my own.

Another example of the benefits of moving myself out of the “Center of the Universe”:

Since that day, my father has died.  In the company of my family, I watched him gasp for his last breath. It was not sudden, but it was painful. I had no, none, zero urge to drink. Or use anything as I had closed all those loopholes as well. 

I also have the satisfaction of knowing that not only did I not become an additional burden to the ones I love, but I was able to be there for them in their grief. 

Immediate Universal Trigger Alert

Most folks are familiar with the idea of Jet Lag due to traveling across time zones and the consequent interference with sleep patterns. After traveling across five time zones from the Midwest to Hawaii, I felt the full force of Polynesian Paralysis, a generally groggy, lackadaisical feeling, enhanced in my case by a stronger version of the weed I was smoking in those days.

Especially in the spring, the fact that the time zone moves away from us by one hour and costs us an hour of sleep has a variety of ill effects on us due to our reduced alertness. Among the effects are car accidents, workplace injuries, more heart attacks, wasting time at work and even an increase in cluster headaches.

The recovering person is also more vulnerable to other triggers as the tired brain is at a higher risk for “weird thinking.” Breakfasts are skipped, angry words instead of goodbye kisses exchanged, kids dawdling more than usual, other drivers in the same mode, leading to thoughts like, “This Bud’s (or buds) for You” by the end of the day.

More in another post on the famous Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired (HALT) syndrome and the need to “halt,” and do something about those triggers. After one client’s dramatic experience, I added “Sick” to that list. Anything that throws the brain out of sync, good or bad, can lead to thinking that is out of sync.

So, be careful. It is an hour early in the jungle on Monday morning and Slick senses an opportunity to feed. 

The Hockey Stick Graph Upside Down

In treatment I was told that there is a tendency for humans to quit doing what made them successful. This is especially true for folks in recovery. I could relate to that as I had already stopped doing yoga, less than a year after I started doing yoga during my “accidental” year of abstinence from alcohol. Not to be confused with “sobriety” or “in recovery.” I was smoking marijuana and doing nothing whatsoever to support abstinence from alcohol.

Predictably, I "accidentally" wound up drinking again. Also predictably, my addiction to alcohol had increased and, recalling how good I *used* to feel when abstinent, I spent over ten-years trying to recapture that state, but I lacked key information and a support group. 

What often happens with people who are working a serious program in support of recovery is the tendency to become “too busy” to continue working that program. It is not usually a conscious decision, just a slow decline in adherence to the program that made them successful. I was determined not to let that happen this time. In support of that, I inscribed another quote on my bulletin board from the Nero Wolfe novel mentioned in an earlier post. “A schedule broken at will becomes a mere procession of vagaries.” A fancy way of saying “stick to your program or it isn’t a program.”

I have a brother whose exercise program puts mine in the shade. Our sister asked him, “How do you stick with that?” He replied, “I just do it.” He didn’t mean it is easy. He meant it is simple. Either you do it or you don’t do it, but it is a lot easier if you do not question the decision that made perfect sense when you made it. When you do, it is merely another form of negotiating with Slick and that usually ends with a bad bargain. “I’ll do it later,” becomes like the Kerouacian notion that “mañana (tomorrow) must mean Heaven.” When it comes to a useful life, more often, tomorrow means Hell. An old song, “Mañana (Is Soon Enough for Me” leads to an unrepaired broken window “and the rain is coming in.”

About halfway through my treatment experience, the daily reading in the Twenty-Four Hours A Day book included “Yesterday is gone, forget it. Tomorrow never comes, don’t worry. Today is here. Get busy.” I lettered that large and taped it to the bathroom wall. An important attitude change while still in the blade of my own early recovery hockey stick graph.

As we go through early recovery and hit the handle of the hockey stick, we become increasingly busy. We wonder how we ever found time to be bored. The world is full of interesting and rewarding ways to spend our time. Something has to give.

Since there are very few pieces of our program outside of “just don’t use” that are as critical to always adhere to, that makes our program a tempting “rainy day fund” to dip into when we are trying to squeeze one more activity into our busy day.

You might illustrate the problem with all this by turning the Hockey Stick Graph upside down and considering the line forming the “blade” across the top of the graph to be the successful life the world sees us living. Unfortunately, just like when the blade is crawling along the bottom, changes are developing out of the sight of others.

They see us going to work, even getting praised or promoted. Our bodies may not look any different as we become negligent in our eating and exercising habits. Our sleep routines are freely violated in favor of late night TV or our Internet addiction, but we still wake up feeling better than we did with a hangover. Our disposition may remain sunny, with perhaps slowly increasing clouds, written off as the result of stress due to being so busy. All the while, inside the blade, a certain amount of dry rot is setting in.

Remember, the handle now points down, towards the bottom, potentially clear back to the using we had escaped from with so much difficulty. As our new life slowly deteriorates, a highly stressful event of some sort suddenly strikes. The pieces we carefully assembled while in the blade at the bottom of the graph are in disarray, infrequently to never accessed, unavailable to turn to in time of need. Our inattention to nutrition, exercise and regular sleep is sapping our energy levels. As we faded away from our support system, including our daily readings, we lost the regular reminders of how we want to live our lives and no longer experience the supportive interaction with others who understand our issues. If we turn back to what used to be a solid support system, they are no longer familiar with our situation, so it becomes harder for them to provide support.

Like a kid climbing a slide, the trip up took more time and effort than the slippery slope down. That first sip, snort or hit can put waxed paper under our butt. The paving on that famous “road to Hell” is gold-plated, and the destination is seen in a fun house mirror that promises fun and laughter. The real laughing going on has a sinister ring to it. (Listen to The Chambers Brothers 11-minute version of “Time has Come Today.”)

Fr. Martin said, “Can prayer help with a toothache? Yes. If said on the way to the dentist.” Can willpower help you to resist temptation? Yes! If used to follow your program. Willpower is a whole lot more useful when you use it to stick to your program than when you are faced with a sudden temptation when under stress. Not following your program is just another face of the many-headed reptile known as Slick, the master of the easy way out that turns out to be the easy way in deeper.

Don’t forget where you came from, and don’t forget what brought you out of that prison.  

More on this later, but remember: “It is not the will to win that counts. It is the will to *do what it takes* to win."

So, use your will power to get out of your comfortable chair in time to get to your support group meeting and inoculate yourelf against the stressors of daily life.